The online fitness business is full of crazy ad copy. Every now and then I turn my hand towards writing some of this ad copy, and this led to the creation of such lost gems as "Rez Fitness - Native American Training Secrets" and "Ghetto STRONG! Strength Secrets from American Inner Cities". If I could find them, I'd post them. Those in particular aren't very politically correct, which, unfortunately, makes me cackle with glee.
Here's the latest, fresh from Lyle McDonald's Bodyrecomposition forums
Shaf Armstrong
Routine I: Foundation: This mixed modal routine is a unique combination of full body movements and isolation movements for the biceps. The successful completion of this routine will have significantly improved the appearance and size of your biceps, and adequately preps the muscle for the next routine in the series.
Routine 2: Sculpt : This routine focuses on little known techniques that dramatically improve the vascularity of your biceps in a surprisingly short amount of time. The successful completion of Foundation is required to maximize the benefits of Sculpt
Routine 3: Concrete: After dramatically improving the size and appearance of your biceps, you need a specialized routine to make these gains permanent. It's a little known fact that the faster you make gains, the faster the gains will disappear. Concrete is a special high volume, high frequency program specifically designed to make the previous changes in your arm appearance permanent. This routine was developed after extensive conversations with timeless "arm men" like Ed Corney and Boyer Coe, two bodybuilders known for their arm appearance, and for their longevity.
Routine 4: Heffernan: When I met Will Heffernan in Utah back in 2007, I was blown away by his arms. I managed to get him drunk enough to reveal his secrets (which was no small task) and, now, for the first time ever, and in conjunction with the Heffernan himself, we reveal the routine that will take your arms, already big and cut from the previous three routines, to the next level. You tell me....can you afford not to do this program?
Routine 5: Mangler: This rounds out the "Shaf Armstrong" routines, and is optional and separate from the other, hypertrophy-based programs, and unless you want the kind of arm strength that can rip the studs out of walls, you don't need this program. This program was developed in conjunction with some of the most terrifying arm strength athletes in the world: Arm wrestlers. These men live and die on arm and wrist strength. The rare and unusual techniques they use will make your arm strength explode, and will also improve tendon and ligament strength significantly. As a bonus, you will receive the "McGripSexy Recordings", in which some of the worlds strongest grip men reveal their training secrets. Mangler is a stand alone routine, but I recommend you successfully complete "Foundation" and "Sculpt" to reap the most benefit from it.
Routine I: Foundation: This mixed modal routine is a unique combination of full body movements and isolation movements for the biceps. The successful completion of this routine will have significantly improved the appearance and size of your biceps, and adequately preps the muscle for the next routine in the series.
Routine 2: Sculpt : This routine focuses on little known techniques that dramatically improve the vascularity of your biceps in a surprisingly short amount of time. The successful completion of Foundation is required to maximize the benefits of Sculpt
Routine 3: Concrete: After dramatically improving the size and appearance of your biceps, you need a specialized routine to make these gains permanent. It's a little known fact that the faster you make gains, the faster the gains will disappear. Concrete is a special high volume, high frequency program specifically designed to make the previous changes in your arm appearance permanent. This routine was developed after extensive conversations with timeless "arm men" like Ed Corney and Boyer Coe, two bodybuilders known for their arm appearance, and for their longevity.
Routine 4: Heffernan: When I met Will Heffernan in Utah back in 2007, I was blown away by his arms. I managed to get him drunk enough to reveal his secrets (which was no small task) and, now, for the first time ever, and in conjunction with the Heffernan himself, we reveal the routine that will take your arms, already big and cut from the previous three routines, to the next level. You tell me....can you afford not to do this program?
Routine 5: Mangler: This rounds out the "Shaf Armstrong" routines, and is optional and separate from the other, hypertrophy-based programs, and unless you want the kind of arm strength that can rip the studs out of walls, you don't need this program. This program was developed in conjunction with some of the most terrifying arm strength athletes in the world: Arm wrestlers. These men live and die on arm and wrist strength. The rare and unusual techniques they use will make your arm strength explode, and will also improve tendon and ligament strength significantly. As a bonus, you will receive the "McGripSexy Recordings", in which some of the worlds strongest grip men reveal their training secrets. Mangler is a stand alone routine, but I recommend you successfully complete "Foundation" and "Sculpt" to reap the most benefit from it.
"McGripSexy" refers to, of course, everyone's favorite strongman/stuntman/gripmaster.
I'll bury this in here, because it's so non-PC
The URBAN and GHETTO WARRIOR LIFESTYLE PROGRAM
You're white or asian. Your parents lived in the same house and knew each other. You mom and dad only smoked a little pot back in the day, and didn't do crack or horse. It's not your fault you weren't raised on the MEAN STREETS. It's not your fault that you didn't learn the HOOD, yo! For years, you've been smoked by those black dudes on the community center basketball court, and you've watched them steal white trash princesses right out from under your nose. You've seen them dunk. You once saw a brother leap over the hood of a police car, and vanish into the bushes, to the chagrin of the donut eating officer. You could never do that, could you?
Yes, now you can. You can have it all:
-Be BROTHER fast, and able to scale 12' chain link fence in under 2 seconds.
-Swagger arrogantly with your pants hanging OFF your ass, yet be able to sprint over a half mile with a 36" flatscreen TV held in your hands.
-Learn the secrets of being GHETTO lean (this is worth the entire $399.99 price of the course, itself). No, this secret has nothing to do with diet OR exercise!
-The awesome secret of the "HO-SLAP" Never, ever put up with shit from that bitch again!
-Get the astonishing advantage of "HOOD-SENSE". (It's better than Spidersense, believe me!)
-The never before revealed tool of the ULTIMATE GHETTO WARRIOR. Kwame knows what this is, do you? It made him the mayor of DETROIT, with all the bling that goes with it!
-Why white men can't jump. (and this has everything to do with playing basketball, yo!)
-Make the government pay for your education, your house, and your food! This secret alone is worth over $100K NYUKKAH!
-Get the underground copy of "WHITEY'S GUIDE TO GANGSTA RAP." free! (Shaf's note...Jason Ferruggia provides a much more comprehensive guide somewhere on his site)
-Get T-Dawg G-Mac's amazing "Poppin' Caps Wifout Hittin' Nuthin'!" guide to showboat shooting. FREE
Posted by: Shaf | October 24, 2008 at 07:29 AM
Hahahahaha...that is gold Steve.
Nick
Posted by: Nick McKinless | October 25, 2008 at 10:05 AM